Behind Those Eyes Study - Ms. Happiness

Today is Chapter 4 in our book study that Leila is hosting for the book "Behind Those Eyes" by Lisa Whittle. Chapter 4 concerns "Ms. Happiness".

The section on "You Can Make Yourself Happy" really resonated with me. Lisa says "Society tells us that self-awareness will produce a happy and fulfilled life. But I wonder...if our own self-awareness can make us happy, then why aren't we happy?"

About seven or eight years ago, in my early 40's, I felt very discontent with my life and very unhappy with everything in it...husband, job, family, body, church, friends....you name it. I remember seeing my doctor for a routine physical and breaking down in tears unexpectantly telling him I just wasn't happy. I told my husband I wasn't happy. I was not happy in my job which I had worked in for 17 years. In retrospect, I think I was going through the proverbal 'mid-life crisis' thinking that what I had was not enough to make me happy and I was doomed to live in misery the rest of my life unless I escaped and made some huge changes. I don't know what caused it, maybe hormones were part of it, but I can look back and see that I focused so much on myself and why wasn't I happy, etc. that I made myself more miserable than perhaps I would have if I just looked at all the great and wonderful things I had to be thankful for. Little things turned into big things, however, and pretty soon an all encompassing focus on my happiness was all I thought about. I guess it's the 'glass half full' thing, which may sound trite, but is actually very true. I had been a Christian for over 20 years at that time, but God seemed far away and uninterested in me, and during about a year long period I made some bad choices with my emotional life. But through that weird and emotional time, the mantra of "I'm not happy" played in my head and gave me justification for how I treated or spoke to my husband or clients at work, and I expected my friends and female family members to listen to me and support me about why I was so unhappy. In my view, my husband didn't treat me the way I wanted him to, my job was boring and unfulfilling, I was unhappy with being 15 lbs overweight,...basically, I was so self-focused I was miserable. I decided God couldn't make me happy either so I pretty much tried to ignore Him for a good year. Although on the outside, I faked it pretty well. I think finally after about a year of this (and of course, a lot of how I felt I kept secret, because Ms. Happiness puts on a good front) I think God finally had pity on me and the emotional places I sought for comfort and happiness closed up and I woke up to the fact that I'd been seeking happiness in places I would never ever find it. Maybe I was mourning my youth, maybe I was questioning my life choices.....I think I just finally realized that I was tired of my self-centeredness and quest for 'happiness' when what I really was looking for was joy that only God could really bring me. Joy deep down inside that never goes away, no matter what's going on my life. And that's what chapter 4 ends with, where Lisa talks about the Bible not saying a lot about happiness but it has a lot to say about joy. I love the verses she lists, especially these two.

"Psalms 16:11 You have made known to me the path of life, you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

1 Peter 1:8 Though you have not seen him, you love him, and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy."

I guess now that I am a few years past that time in my life I can see that I was trying to find happiness when I really was looking for joy. And joy isn't fleeting, but's strong and deep and you can draw from it no matter what else is going on in your life. Happiness is pretty new sweater, or a music CD you've been wanting, or a pumpkin spice latte. But joy is a whole different matter. I had no joy or even any real happiness in that year I was looking for happiness. But when I gave up looking for happiness, I found joy, that had really been in me all along, because God was there all along, and He is joy.